I’ve come a long way from the young mother that accepted unacceptable behavior and have become a woman that is aware, compassionate, hope filled and loving. I have gratitude for the many blessings I receive in my life. My great joy is my grandson, grown children, family and the wonderful friends and clients that I am gifted to share my recovery with. What follows is a part of how I discovered I could change my life to be whatever I could envision. This is how I am able to Return to JOY!
I’m the sixth child, first daughter of devoted religious parents who were in the military and determined to send all nine of their children to private school. My father put my mother on a pedestal. We were taught respect, honesty, and family values.
As a teenager in the 60’s, I stretched my limits considerably by experiencing the new ideals of peace and love. At 23, I married my knight in shining armor and overlooked behaviors that didn’t jive with my upbringing and ideals. By then my self-esteem was not very high and I thought I was so fortunate to have this man love me. I was so in love with him. We were married 15 years and have two children that are now adults.
The verbal abuse started first. I couldn’t believe he could possibly mean what he said and I had a terrific place to put those kinds of thoughts called ‘denial’. Years passed with ups and downs and my accepting emotional, spiritual, mental and physical abuse. I was a tarnished former good girl and thought I deserved it. I became a different person then, a member of the walking dead. I wanted to disappear.
After years of trying to get away and two times in the women’s shelter, I finally freed myself from the marriage. I entered a twelve step program and gave up drinking, smoking, co-dependency and started weekly therapy.
During the next two or three years of therapy, I talked and blamed and couldn’t really see my part in the story. I was disassociated from and didn’t want to be the abused wife. I eventually started to say it happened to me, but it took me years to say that “I was an abused wife.”
As time went on the shame grew less, I grew stronger and more confident. I was also in the long process of discovering boundaries. I had no idea what they were. I was a single mom, raising two bright children and I returned to college for two years determined to make my life better.
In my second year back to college I met another man and in this relationship, we were given the opportunity to do a lot of sailing. We sailed to Hawaii right after I finished my last final. This is the trip where things began to shake loose. We traveled 2,285 miles of ocean from Baja, Mexico to Hilo, Hawaii. It’s a BIG ocean.
On the tenth day of our trip we hit a huge storm that lasted a week. We were out in the middle of the ocean on a 32 foot sailboat, 2 people, 2 dogs and a cat. At times like this there was no sleep for the weary sailors. We took two hour watches, while the other person tried to rest. It’s hard to prepare food or even keep it down when the boat is being tossed around like a cork on massive angry waves. While on deck we had to wear safely harnesses to prevent being thrown overboard.
That’s what appeared to be happening on the outside. Inside my head is the real story. One night on my watch when it was time to wake my partner, I called him by my ex-husband’s name. It shocked us both as he shot up out of the bunk saying, “What did you call me?”
It took me a minute to realize what I said. I didn’t understand why I did it. It happened twice. Before I opened my mouth I had to consciously say in my head, this is B, not b and I am safe.” It didn’t help that their names started with the same letter.
I was so battered and bruised in so many places and so tired, and it was like reliving the old abusive experience that used to last for days except this was only the third day of the storm. With the same patterns, no sleep, bruises, scared, my mind began playing tricks and thought I was with my ex-husband again. (This is post traumatic stress.)
As I tried to sleep below deck, I remembered my therapist mentioning body memories. That’s what saved me! I thought I was going crazy. The fact that I was being beaten by the storm and deprived of sleep opened up that old neuropathway of being beaten and abused. I was terrified! It wasn’t the storm. I was terrified of the emotions that were surfacing after all the years in therapy. I had to concentrate so strongly on calling my shipmate by his right name.
We made it through the storm and to Hawaii and I did very well after all the memories were tucked safely away. I still had some good denial to use up.
I broke away from my long time work in careers with men as a groundskeeper, Jill of all trades and park ranger. I was lead to embrace my feminine side for the first time and I trained as a massage therapist and learned about Rapid Eye Technology (RET) from my massage instructor. After her description, I knew I had to experience RET for myself. All the years of therapy and self-empowerment and defense training I took hadn’t changed my horrifying experience in the storm. I remember priding myself for being so good in a crisis though.
Let’s skip forward to after RET sessions and training to my new experience with white water kayaking, and a new husband. I like peaceful kayaking and he liked and taught whitewater kayaking. I like adventure and moving through new experiences so I tried it.
My first experience with whitewater kayaking threw me straight into being afraid of the water. I stayed on the river toughing it out for hours, trying not to be a bummer to him. I heard a lady drifting by in a raft comment, “she doesn’t look like she’s having fun.” I immediately realized that she meant me and she was right. What was I doing? I’ve never feared the water and I was so afraid of rolling and drowning.
The feelings I experienced on the river were much too intense for what the situation warranted. That’s how I knew it was bigger than the river trip and old memories I had’t addressed or released yet. I realized I hadn’t really experienced the fear of the storm on the sailboat. That would have been the natural experience in that situation. While in the storm, I experienced body memories from years of abuse. On the river it felt like I was experiencing the delayed fear of the storm and this time I could get out of the water and safely on land.
I received a rapid eye session that helped me release the fear from the storm and of the whitewater.
This made it possible for me to really enjoy a week long raft trip on the Green River later in the year.
I continued with more sessions to release old patterns and beliefs.
The freedom of choice that I was realizing enabled me to establish new boundaries. I do love adventure and find wonderful ways to express and achieve the joy of discovery. I continue to face fears that show up and I challenge myself to get resolution and find the gift within. I use the acronym of false evidence appearing real, f.e.a.r. What I find on the other side it is not so scary and I feel better meeting the challenge of facing my fear. I am able to choose what experiences feel empowering and best for me. You can too and I can show you how.
We may share similar feelings even though the stories are different. My experiences have provided me with a profound sense and ability to guide others through any level of difficulty to find joy and purpose in your life. Are you ready to return to joy?
